Top brass within the Army Corps or Engineers are “not amused” by the latest tool constructed for battlefield use. Colonel Bert Hodgekiss, a man known amongst his army peers as “Col. Brickhouse,” has spent twenty-five of his 27 years in the Army with the ACE. “This latest development in weaponry brings all the testosterone of this man’s army to the battlefield, something sorely needed as it becomes more and more diluted.”
The weapon in question is more of a tank accessory than anything else. Dubbed “Ciagra” by the units testing it, the Ballistic Oscillation Nano-Ectopic Resonator is, essentially, a turbo-charged potato launcher in that it uses heated and highly compressed air to launch its ordinance. “Field tests have shown it to be incredibly effective from a range standpoint, but we’re currently trying to alleviate an issue with down time,” added Col. Hodegkiss. “We can get one mighty round out of it, a big bang if you will, but then it needs time to cool down and recuperate–a luxury you don’t have on the front line.”
Not everyone associated with the project concurs with the colonel’s assessment. “It’s big and impressive alright, but what it provides in one-shot power it equally lacks in grace and maneuverability,” counters ACE auditor Sonya Eise, called into pore over the details of such expenditures. “We shouldn’t be throwing resources at projects with such limited staying power. We need weapons that go the distance, that hammer at the enemy until they either acquiesce or are in some manner disabled.” Her sentiments are shared at top levels. Declassified memos provided under the Freedom of Information Act vividly spell out what could be the death knell for Ciagra.
Complaints abound regarding the overt maleness of the project, right down to its very design. A source within the Pentagon, wishing to remain anonymous, has stated “We’re all for providing our troops with the proper offensive and defensive tools to achieve victory, but this weapon, despite its jaw-dropping presence, simply falls way short of any battlefield success. It’s huge, cumbersome, and when the party’s over, it’s over. The enemy won’t sit still and wait until it’s up and running a half-hour later.”
As a result of internal discord, all units affected by and involved in the project are undergoing a thorough, some would say invasive, audit. All indications are that the weapon will never make it to production given it’s propensity to fall short of Army specifications for combat readiness. As Major General Bob Glandis summed it up, “If you don’t have staying power, you’re useless.”
LOL. Okay, this cannot be real, right? This has to be your own version of a “The Onion” type article, yes?
Em!
You make the call . . . Bwahahahahahahaha!
[...] USACE To Perform Extensive Internal Self-Audit « J.W. Nicklaus’ BlogMar 7, 2010… but what it provides in one-shot power it equally lacks in grace and maneuverability,” counters ACE auditor Sonya Eise, called into pore over … [...]