Decades have been spent researching and observing the dynamics of gender. There exist countless volumes, articles in scientific journals, and years of time spent in conferences dedicated to trying to understand what drives men and women together—or apart. There’s not much that hasn’t been scrutinized in order to bring concrete understanding to this important facet of human nature. From the early (and almost draconian) study of phrenology—the study of skull bumps—to present day neuroscience, we’ve make phenomenal progress towards improving our understanding of such a complex, often mystifying, and lively subject.
By way of example, a recent study conducted by a leading university (I don’t want to tempt the Gods of Litigation) found that a womans tendency to find a man attractive varied most during her menstrual cycle. It was determined that when a woman is ovulating she prefers a man with rugged, rnasculine features. However, when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused In petrol and set on fire. Guys, I know that sounds harsh, but think about it, we’re being given a heads-up. It’s like God throwing up a huge yield sign that only we can see.
Enter Resol, Inc, until now a quiet little company in Etibem, Kentucky. They plan to introduce what they call an MRK, a Male Resource Kit. This package is puported to funnel years of professional study of gender behavior into an easily digestable and quick course of study, much as Rosetta Stone has done for language learning. As a matter of fact, Resol has leaned heavily upon language interpretation as the cornerstone of the MRK.
Below is a small sampling of what the kit offers:
Interpreting Feminine Linguistics via Writing (example: personal ads)
Athletic: No breasts
Average looking: Ugly
Beautiful: Pathological liar
Emotionally secure: On medication
Free spirit: Junkie
Friendship first: Former “very friendly” person
New Age: Body hair (often abundant) in wrong places
Open minded: Desperate
Outgoing: Loud and embarrassing
Passionate: Sloppy drunk
Large frame: Amazonian or bordering on obese . . . or both
Wants soul mate: Stalker
I understand this sounds incredibly, well, let’s just agree that it’s not what we Americans cherish as being politically correct. On a less stringent note, they also include what they’re calling the Estrogen-To-Testosterone Translator:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need to talk = You’re in trouble
Sure, go ahead = You better not
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset you moron!
Initially I was very skeptical about the veracity of such a product, even that any company would have the oysters to offer something like this to the public. What won me over? Look at those phrases highlighted in red above—those are ironclad! Seriously.
Ladies, the company would also like you to know that they haven’t forgotten you. They also intend to include with the kit what they term a “helpful” guide for women “to better understand the man in their life.” Near as I can tell, this is exponentially smaller than the aforementioned female dictionary:
I’m hungry means I’m hungry
I’m sleepy means I’m sleepy
I’m tired means I’m tired
I have a headache means I have a headache
Nice dress means Nice cleavage
I love you means Let’s have sex now
I’m bored means Do you want to have sex?
Can I call you sometime means I’d like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? means I’d like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? means I’d like to have sex with you
Those shoes don’t go with that outfit means I’m gay
As of this writing there have been no advance test market results released. I’ve written to the company and suggested packaging the product in a shapely container, replete with a skimpy bikini. Men are attracted to such visuals like a moth to a flame . . . or a bug zapper.